The Bathroom: Where I take my mask off
Written by Reagan Caleia
Stressed out? Upset? Bad day at the office? The majority of us have built up a safe haven between the four porcelain walls we call the ‘bathroom’. I definitely have.
I have always found refuge within my bathroom, I stand idle in front of my mirror and let the thoughts of the day run wild through my mind, I finally peel the mask I carefully painted on in the morning off. I find peace in the one room where I can be as vulnerable as possible - physically and emotionally. Dumping the brain rot of the day into the sink, Running the tap until the basin no longer holds shades of grey.
For the majority of us we are constantly on the go, we pin a smile on our face and we walk out the front door, making sure our hair is pristine, our breath smells minty and the clothes we put on our back aren't covered in stains from our bedroom floor - to then forcibly say “good morning, you okay?” to coworkers and the oddly joyful stranger who is dragged by their darling jack Russell. The day is then trailed with puzzles of tasks and favours that are thrown at us from all directions possible - persistently being positive and shoving any thought of doubt down and monitoring how we are perceived… It is actually exhausting, at least it is for me.
The bathroom is where I truly can say I am myself. Obviously since I stand stark naked with no filter of fabric or arm of plastic covering my face, but authentic, because I can scream, cry, whimper and ultimately let myself feel free with no judgement. We are all afraid of vulnerability, being vulnerable opens yourself up to danger, danger of word or touch… you become weak with fear and flaw on display, yet being vulnerable is more beautiful than the A/W 24 Margiela show. Vulnerability shows strength and trust, it bonds connection, it allows others to see they are not lone rangers with their flaws and in the fullness of time it becomes liberating.
Yet despite my efforts to show you why being vulnerable is necessary and a beautiful concept, I for one do not bare my mask with company. Strictly only for my bathroom. Emotion is one crazy rollercoaster – we all know this. One minute we are crying happy tears but that swiftly turns to sadness the next, for me that cycle is buffering in sad tears, but not a single friend would know.
PMA - positive mental attitude. Happiness, to strike a balance, to not be too serious but serious enough to set boundaries. So fragile yet too complex to navigate. Day dot - I struggled. We all have once. Such a proliferate question… How do I be/stay happy? Although I preach vulnerability and the act of embracing such a deep feeling… I have no answer. I wish I had, but I do not think anyone does. I rest in the sadness I have befriended; He has become my distant cousin. I could not tell you forthrightly when I took sadness in with open arms. I am quick to point fingers why he is my friend…when does anyone want to take accountability in knowing they got too comfortable to change? Yet the comfort I have garnered has turned me into a true master of deception.
I can get up from bed, brush my teeth and head out the door and you would not suspect a thing. Only my bathroom mirror knows who my true best-friend is. The four walls that are draped in porcelain know my deepest secrets, hear my strongest cries and my weakest screams, I dare share that side of me. I know my statements at the start of this piece are complete hypocrisies to what I share with you now, but the journey of vulnerability itself is frightening. What if I am vulnerable and that causes more harm than good? I doubt it would, but when you start a new journey there are always questions of doubt holding us back.
However, at times I think to take a breather. I need to remind myself I am still growing up. Adolescence is bitter-sweet and I am sure the early years of my adult life will be the same, No one said it would ever be easy. Growing up never brought the greatness I expected, it is a daydream turned nightmare. Though I still have a lot left to navigate, a lot of time to learn to be the best, most open self. My thoughts will always run freely once I unlock the gate, but to learn to control and to share is to say I have grown and flourished.
